If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
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If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
me doing my best
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle