The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom