Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
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Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?