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If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Meanwhile in Canada…
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
i now pronounce you bounced.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Breakfast for Stoners:
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.