lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*