I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.