Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
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ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
i made a craigslist ad !
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?