A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Who says great literature is dead?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
*checks Timeline*…
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
The Assassin.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.