If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
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The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
What number SPF blocks people?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.