Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You Might Also Like
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.