Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
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Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
*limbos under the caution tape
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.