Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.