*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
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Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.