Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
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imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday