my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Oh my god
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.