Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
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Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
When they try to steal your moment.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
so this horse walks into a bar
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not