How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
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He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn