bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don鈥檛 care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we鈥檙e leaving without you
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us鈥攃an u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Please define the logic when someone says you鈥檙e too much?
Too much what?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: 鈥aybe call the horses?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What鈥檚 your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i鈥檓 joking
me: hi joking i鈥檓鈥擮H NO
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how鈥檚 everyone鈥檚 bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You鈥檙e fired!
How I like cutting carbs
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road