Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
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Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.