I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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