Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
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[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Living the best life.. 😊
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.