Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Worst perfume name ever.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site