DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.