Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
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The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist