Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??