One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
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judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?