Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?