Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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People buying plungers never look happy.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
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Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds