new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier