Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
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*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
#Caturday
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
set yourself free xox