“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
The first matador
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.