not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.