How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
The old gods are rising again.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT