Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in