*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Skills
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit