I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?