This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
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*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza