Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache