Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
You Might Also Like
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?