*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
somebody come look at this
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water