Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?