So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.