Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
men, we mow at sunrise.