But that’s none of my business
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The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
an airline just for babies.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY