• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
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That’s not how days work.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Hell yeah 👍
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*