Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
You Might Also Like
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
just witnessed a drug deal
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”