*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
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You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.