Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
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ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself