The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Herpes is trending, good job people
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house