Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Easy enough.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.